From this moment the emotion which had been accumulating in his breast as the bottled-up effect of solitude and the poetized locality he dwelt in,insensibly began to precipitate itself on this half-visionary form;and he perceived that,whatever his obedient wish in a contrary direction,he would soon be unable to resist the desire to make himself known to her.
He affected to think of her quite in a family way,since there were crushing reasons why he should not and could not think of her in any other.
The first reason was that he was married,and it would be wrong.
The second was that they were cousins.It was not well for cousins to fall in love even when circumstances seemed to favour the passion.The third:
even were he free,in a family like his own where marriage usually meant a tragic sadness,marriage with a blood-relation would duplicate the adverse conditions,and a tragic sadness might be intensified to a tragic horror.
Therefore,again,he would have to think of Sue with only a relation's mutual interest in one belonging to him;regard her in a practical way as some one to be proud of;to talk and nod to;later on,to be invited to tea by,the emotion spent on her being rigorously that of a kinsman and well-wisher.So would she be to him a kindly star,an elevating power,a companion in Anglican worship,a tender friend.
But under the various deterrent influences Jude's instinct was to approach her timidly,and the next Sunday he went to the morning service in the Cathedral church of Cardinal College to gain a further view of her,for he had found that she frequently attended there.
She did not come,and he awaited her in the afternoon,which was finer.He knew that if she came at all she would approach the building along the eastern side of the great green quadrangle from which it was accessible,and he stood in a corner while the bell was going.A few minutes before the hour for service she appeared as one of the figures walking along under the college walls,and at sight of her he advanced up the side opposite,and followed her into the building,more than ever glad that he had not as yet revealed himself.To see her,and to be himself unseen and unknown,was enough for him at present.
He lingered awhile in the vestibule,and the service was some way advanced when he was put into a seat.It was a louring,mournful,still afternoon,when a religion of some sort seems a necessity to ordinary practical men,and not only a luxury of the emotional and leisured classes.In the dim light and the baffling glare of the clerestory windows he could discern the opposite worshippers indistinctly only,but he saw that Sue was among them.He had not long discovered the exact seat that she occupied when the chanting of the 119th Psalm in which the choir was engaged reached its second part,In quo corriget ,the organ changing to a pathetic Gregorian tune as the singers gave forth:
Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way?It was the very question that was engaging Jude's attention at this moment.
What a wicked worthless fellow he had been to give vent as he had done to an animal passion for a woman,and allow it to lead to such disastrous consequences;then to think of putting an end to himself;then to go recklessly and get drunk.The great waves of pedal music tumbled round the choir,and,nursed on the supernatural as he had been,it is not wonderful that he could hardly believe that the psalm was not specially set by some regardful Providence for this moment of his first entry into the solemn building.
And yet it was the ordinary psalm for the twenty-fourth evening of the month.
The girl for whom he was beginning to nourish an extraordinary tenderness was at this time ensphered by the same harmonies as those which floated into his ears;and the thought was a delight to him.She was probably a frequenter of this place,and,steeped body and soul in church sentiment as she must be by occupation and habit,had,no doubt,much in common with him.To an impressionable and lonely young man the consciousness of having at last found anchorage for his thoughts,which promised to supply both social and spiritual possibilities,was like the dew of Hermon,and he remained throughout the service in a sustaining atmosphere of ecstasy.
Though he was loth to suspect it,some people might have said to him that the atmosphere blew as distinctly from Cyprus as from Galilee.
Jude waited till she had left her seat and passed under the screen before he himself moved.She did not look towards him,and by the time he reached the door she was half-way down the broad path.Being dressed up in his Sunday suit he was inclined to follow her and reveal himself.
But he was not quite ready;and,alas,ought he to do so with the kind of feeling that was awakening in him?
For though it had seemed to have an ecclesiastical basis during the service,and he had persuaded himself that such was the case,he could not altogether be blind to the real nature of the magnetism.She was such a stranger that the kinship was affectation,and he said,'It can't be!
I,a man with a wife,must not know her!'Still Sue was his own kin,and the fact of his having a wife,even though she was not in evidence in this hemisphere,might be a help in one sense.It would put all thought of a tender wish on his part out of Sue's mind,and make her intercourse with him free and fearless.It was with some heartache that he saw how little he cared for the freedom and fearlessness that would result in her from such knowledge.
