"Ah brandy! brandy! bane of life, Spring of tumult -- source of strife:
Could I but half thy curses tell, The wise would wish thee safe at hell."Curious and Instructive Anecdotes.
That great poet, John Milton, who seems to have known him well, assures us that the devil was the inventor of gunpowder.
But, for my own part, were I in the humor to ascribe any particular invention to the author of all evil, it should be that of distilling apple-brandy.
We have scripture for it, that he began his capers with the apple; then, why not go on with the brandy, which is but the fiery juice of the apple?
At any rate, I am pretty sure I shall hardly ever be able to think of it again with tolerable patience, as long as I live. For, it was that vile filthy poison that cut me out of one of the finest plumes that I ever expected to feather my cap with.
The case stands briefly thus. I have told the reader, that Marion surprised and captured the celebrated tory partisan, colonel Tynes, after killing the major part of his men. For safe keeping, he was sent into North Carolina; whence he made his escape --got back into the forests of Black river, and collected a stout force to try his fortune a second time with Marion.
But, getting knowledge of the thing, Marion made one of his forced marches, fell upon him, unawares, and broke him up worse than before;killing and taking his whole party. Tynes was sent again to North Carolina;whence he contrived again to make his escape; and, returning to his old haunts, soon rallied a formidable force, for a third trial.
This news was soon brought to general Marion, who thereupon, desired me to take forty of our best cavaliers, and see if we could not scourge colonel Tynes once more.
About sunset we mounted, and travelled hard all that night and until the middle of next day, when we halted, for refreshment, at the house of one who was truly a "publican and sinner", for he was a great TORY.
Not knowing what secret intelligence the man might convey to the enemy, who were but fifteen miles off, I had him taken up and put under guard.
We then got dinner, for which we honorably paid the poor woman his wife.
And now comes my woeful story. While, after dinner, I was busily employed in catechising my prisoner, how should the devil be employed, but in tempting my men with the distilled juice of the apple? Having, by some ill luck, found out that there was a barrel of it in the house, they hastened to the poor landlady, who not only gave them a full dose for the present, but filled their bottles and canteens.
As we pushed on, after dinner, in high spirits, for the enemy, I could not but remark how constantly the men were turning up their canteens.
"What the plague have you got there, boys," said I, "that you are so eternally drinking.""Water! sir, water! nothing but water!" The rogues were drinking brandy all the time; but, by way of whipping the devil round the stump, they called it `water'! that is, `apple water'.
Presently, finding, from their gaiety and frolicksomeness, what they had been after, I ordered a halt, and set myself to harangue them for such unsoldierly conduct. But I might as well have talked to a troop of drunken Yahoos. For, some of them grinned in my face like monkeys; others looked as stupid as asses; while the greater part chattered like magpies; each boasted what a clever fellow he was, and what mighty things he could do, yet reeling all the time, and scarcely able to sit his horse. Indeed our guide, a fat jolter-headed fellow, fetching one of his heavy lee lurches, got so far beyond his perpendicular, that he could not right again; but fell off, and came to the ground as helpless as a miller's bag. In short, among my whole corps there was but one sober man, and that was captain Neilson.
It is not for language to express one thousandth part of my mortification and rage. To have made such an extraordinary march, and at the head of such choice fellows too; to have come almost within sight of the enemy; an enemy that I was eager to humble, and which would have yielded me so complete and glorious a victory;and yet to have lost all so shamefully: and thus like a fool to be sent back to my general, with my finger in my mouth, was, indeed, almost beyond endurance. But I was obliged to endure it.
For, to have led my men into action, in that condition, would have been no better than murdering them. And to have kept them there until they could have cooled off, was utterly out of the question.
For there was not a family in that whole district that would, with their good will, have given us an hour's repose, or a morsel of bread.
I therefore instantly ordered a retreat, which was made with all the noise and irregularity that might have been expected from a troop of drunkards, each of whom mistaking himself for commander in chief, gave orders according to his own mad humor;and whooped and halloed at such a rate, that I verily believed, no bull-drivers ever made half the racket.
That we should have obtained a most complete victory, is very certain.
For in a few days after this, we laid hands upon some of those very same tories, who stated, that in consequence of the noise which we made that night, colonel Tynes despatched some of his cavalry up the road next morning, to see what was the matter.
On coming to the spot, where I had vainly endeavored to form my drunken dogs, they found on the ground some of our plumes, which colonel Tynes no sooner saw than he bawled out, "Marion! Marion!" then, leaping on their horses, off they went, whip and spur.
"Well, where is colonel Tynes?" said the general, as I entered his presence.
