VII.
Mother asked me last evening to sing and play to her.I was embarrassed to know how to excuse myself without telling her my real reason for declining.But somehow she got it out of me.
"One need not be fanatical in order to be religious," she said.
"Is it fanatical to give up all for God?" I asked.
"What is it to give up all?" she asked, in reply.
"Why, to deny one's self every gratification and indulgence in order to mortify one's natural inclinations, and to live entirely for Him.""God is then a hard Master, who allows his children no liberty," she replied."Now let us see where this theory will lead you.In.the first place you must shut your eyes to all the beautiful things He has made.You must shut your eyes to all the harmonies He has ordained.You must shut your heart against all sweet human affections.You have a body, it is true, and it may revolt at such bondage--"We are told to keep under the body," I interrupted.
"Oh, mother, don't hinder me! You know my love for music is.a passion and that it is my snare and temptation.And how can I spend my whole time in reading the Bible and praying, if I go on with my drawing? It may do for other people to serve both God and Mammon, but not for me.I must belong wholly to the world or wholly to Christ."Mother said no more, and I went on with my reading.But somehow my book seemed to have lost its flavor.Besides, it was time to retire for my evening devotions which I never put off now till the last thing at night, as I used to do.When I came down, Mother was lying on the sofa, by which I knew she was not well.I felt troubled that Ihad refused to sing to her.Think of the money she had spent on that part of my education! I went to her and kissed her with a pang of terror.What if she were going to be very sick, and to die?
"It is nothing, darling," she said, "nothing at all.I am tired, and felt a little faint."I looked at her anxiously, and the bare thought that she might die and leave me alone was so terrible that I could hardly help crying out.And I saw, as by a flash of lightning, that if God took her from me, I could not, should not say: Thy will be done.
But she was better after taking a few drops of lavender, and what color she has came back to her dear sweet face.
APRIL 12.-Dr.Cabot's letter has lost all its power over me.A stone has more feeling than I.I don't love to pray.I am sick and tired of this dreadful struggle after holiness; good books are all alike, flat and meaningless.But I must have something to absorb and carry me away, and I have come back to my music and my drawing with new zest.
Mother was right in warning me against giving them up.Maria Kelley is teaching me to paint in oil-colors, and says I have a natural gift for it.
APRIL 13.Mother asked me to go to church with her last evening, and Isaid I did not want to go.She looked surprised and troubled.
"Are you not well, dear?" she asked.
"I don't know.Yes.I suppose I am.But I could not be still at church five minutes.I am nervous that I feel as if I should fly.""I see how it is," she said; "you have forgotten that body of yours, of which I reminded you, and have been trying to live as if you were all soul and spirit.You have been straining every nerve to acquire perfection, whereas this is God's gift, and one that He is willing to give you, fully and freely.""I have done seeking for that or anything else that is good," I said, despondently."And so I have gone back to my music and everything else.""'Here is just the rock upon which you split," she returned."You speak of going back to your music as if that implied going away from God.You rush from one extreme to another.The only true way to live in this world, constituted just as we are, is to make all our employments subserve the one great end and aim of existence, namely, to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.But in order to do this we must be wise task-masters, and not require of ourselves what we cannot possibly perform.Recreation we must have.Otherwise the strings of our soul, wound up to an unnatural tension, will break.""Oh, I do wish," I cried, "that God had given us plain rules, about which we could make no mistake!""I think His rules are plain," she replied."And some liberty of action He must leave us, or we should become mere machines.I think that those who love Him, and wait upon Him day by day, learn His will almost imperceptibly, and need not go astray.
"But, mother, music and drawing are sharp-edged tools in such hands as mine.I cannot be moderate in my use of them.And the more Idelight in them, the less I delight in God."
"Yes, this is human nature.But God's divine nature will supplant it, if we only consent to let Him work in us of His own good pleasure."New York, April 16.-After all, mother has come off conqueror, and here I am at Aunty's.After our quiet, plain little home, in our quiet little town, this seems like a new world.The house is large, but is as full as it can hold.Aunty has six children her own, and has adopted two.She says she ways meant to imitate the old woman who lived in a shoe.She reminds me of mother, and yet she is very different; full of fun and energy; flying about the house as on wings, with a kind, bright word for everybody.All her household affairs go on like clock-work; the children are always nicely dressed; nobody ever seems out of humor; nobody is ever sick.Aunty is the central object round which every body revolves; you can't forget her a moment, she is always doing something for you, and then her unflagging good humor and cheerfulness keep you good-humored and cheerful.I don't wonder Uncle Alfred loves her so.
I hope I shall have just such a home.I mean this is the sort of home I should like if I ever married, which I never mean to do.I should like to be just such a bright, loving wife as Aunty is; to have my husband lean on me as Uncle leans on her; to have just as many children, and to train them as wisely and kindly us she does hers.
Then, I should feel that I had not been born in vain, but had a high and sacred mission on earth.But as it is, I must just pick up what scraps of usefulness I can, and let the rest go.
