These retrospective visions of Sue only made Jude the more miserable that he was unable to woo her,and he left the cottage of his aunt that day with a heavy heart.He would fain have glanced into the school to see the room in which Sue's little figure had so glorified itself;but he checked his desire and went on.
It being Sunday evening some villagers who had known him during his residence here were standing in a group in their best clothes.Jude was startled by a salute from one of them:
'Ye've got there right enough,then!'
Jude showed that he did not understand.
'Why,to the seat of l'arning -the 'City of Light'you used to talk to us about as a little boy!Is it all you expected of it?'
'Yes;more!'cried Jude.
'When I was there once for an hour I didn't see much in it for my part;auld crumbling buildings,half church,half almshouse,and not much going on at that.'
'You are wrong,John;there is more going on than meets the eye of a man walking through the streets.It is a unique centre of thought and religion -the intellectual and spiritual granary of this country.
All that silence and absence of goings-on is the stillness of infinite motion -the sleep of the spinning-top,to borrow the simile of a well-known writer.'
'Oh,well,it med be all that,or it med not.As I say,I didn't see nothing of it the hour or two I was there;so I went in and had a pot o'beer,and a penny loaf,and a ha'porth o'cheese,and waited till it was time to come along home.You've j'ined a college by this time,I suppose?'
'Ah,no!'said Jude.'I am almost as far off that as ever.'
'How so?'
Jude slapped his pocket.
'Just what we thought!Such places be not for such as you -only for them with plenty o'money.'
'There you are wrong,'said Jude,with some bitterness.'They are for such ones!'
Still,the remark was sufficient to withdraw Jude's attention from the imaginative world he had lately inhabited,in which an abstract figure,more or less himself,was steeping his mind in a sublimation of the arts and sciences,and making his calling and election sure to a seat in the paradise of the learned.He was set regarding his prospects in a cold northern light.He had lately felt that he could not quite satisfy himself in his Greek -in the Greek of the dramatists particularly.So fatigued was he sometimes after his day's work that he could not maintain the critical attention necessary for thorough application.He felt that he wanted a coach -a friend at his elbow to tell him in a moment what sometimes would occupy him a weary month in extracting from unanticipative,clumsy books.
It was decidedly necessary to consider facts a little more closely than he had done of late.What was the good,after all,of using up his spare hours in a vague labour called 'private study'without giving an outlook on practicabilities?
'I ought to have thought of this before,'he said,as he journeyed back.'It would have been better never to have embarked in the scheme at all than to do it without seeing clearly where I am going,or what I am aiming at....This hovering outside the walls of the colleges,as if expecting some arm to be stretched out from them to lift me inside,won't do!I must get special information.'
The next week accordingly he sought it.What at first seemed an opportunity occurred one afternoon when he saw an elderly gentleman,who had been pointed out as the head of a particular college,walking in the public path of a parklike enclosure near the spot at which Jude chanced to be sitting.The gentleman came nearer,and Jude looked anxiously at his face.It seemed benign,considerate,yet rather reserved.On second thoughts Jude felt that he could not go up and address him;but he was sufficiently influenced by the incident to think what a wise thing it would be for him to state his difficulties by letter to some of the best and most judicious of these old masters,and obtain their advice.
During the next week or two he accordingly placed himself in such positions about the city as would afford him glimpses of several of the most distinguished among the provosts,wardens,and other heads of houses;and from those he ultimately selected five whose physiognomies seemed to say to him that they were appreciative and far-seeing men.To these five he addressed letters,briefly stating his difficulties,and asking their opinion on his stranded situation.
When the letters were posted Jude mentally began to criticize them;he wished they had not been sent.'It is just one of those intrusive,vulgar,pushing,applications which are so common in these days,'he thought.
'Why couldn't I know better than address utter strangers in such a way?
I may be an impostor,and idle scamp,a man with a bad character,for all that they know to the contrary....Perhaps that's what I am!'
Nevertheless,he found himself clinging to the hope of some reply as to his one last chance of redemption.He waited day after day,saying that it was perfectly absurd to expect,yet expecting.While he waited he was suddenly stirred by news about Phillotson.Phillotson was giving up the school near Christminster,for a larger one further south,in Mid-Wessex.
What this meant;how it would affect his cousin;whether,as seemed possible,it was a practical move of the schoolmaster's towards a larger income,in view of a provision for two instead of one,he would not allow himself to say.And the tender relations between Phillotson and the young girl of whom Jude was passionately enamoured effectually made it repugnant to Jude's tastes to apply to Phillotson for advice on his own scheme.
