Even though Mackenzie had set her alarm for eight o'clock, she was stirred awake by the vibrating of her cell phone at 6:45. She groaned as she came awake. If this is Harry, apologizing for something he didn't even do, I'm going to kill him, she thought. Still half-asleep, she grabbed her phone and read the display through hazy eyes.
She was relieved to see that it wasn't Harry, but Colby.
Puzzled, she answered it. Colby was not traditionally an early riser and they hadn't spoken in over a week. Anal retentive to the core, Colby was probably just freaking out about graduation and the uncertainty of the future. Colby was the one female friend Mackenzie had here in Quantico, so she had done whatever she could to make sure the friendship stuck-even if it meant answering an early call on the morning of graduation, after she'd only gotten four and a half broken hours of sleep the night before.
"Hey, Colby," she said. "What is it?"
"Were you asleep?" Colby asked.
"Yeah."
"Oh my God. I'm sorry. I figured you'd be up at the crack of dawn this morning, with everything that's going on."
"It's just graduation," Mackenzie said.
"Ha! I wish that's all it was," Colby said in a slightly hysterical voice.
"Are you all right?" Mackenzie asked, slowly sitting up in bed.
"I will be," Colby said. "Look…do you think you could meet me at the Starbucks on Fifth Street?"
"When?"
"As soon as you can get there. I'm heading out now."
Mackenzie did not want to go-she really didn't even want to get out of bed. But she had never heard Colby quite like this. And on such an important day, she figured she should try to be there for her friend.
"Give me about twenty minutes," Mackenzie said.
With a sigh, Mackenzie got out of bed and took care of only the basics in terms of getting ready. She brushed her teeth, tossed on a hooded sweatshirt and running pants, put her hair in a sloppy ponytail, and then headed out.
As she walked the six blocks down to 5th Street, the weight of the day started to sit on her. She was graduating from the FBI academy today, just before noon, nestled in the top five percent of her class. Unlike most of the graduates she had gotten to know over the last twenty weeks or so, she would not have any family in attendance to help her celebrate this accomplishment. She would be on her own, as she had been for most her life, since the age of sixteen. She was trying very hard to convince herself that it didn't bother her, but it did. It did not create sadness within her, but a weird sort of angst that was so old its edges had become dulled.
As she reached the Starbucks, she even noticed that traffic was a little thicker than usual-probably the family and friends of other graduates. She let it slide right off her back, though. She had spent the last ten years of her life trying not to give a damn about what her mother and sister thought of her, so why start now?
When she stepped into the Starbucks, she saw that Colby was already there. She was sipping from a cup and staring contemplatively out the window. There was another cup in front of her; Mackenzie assumed it was for her. She took a seat across from Colby and made a show of how tired she was, narrowing her eyes in a grumpy fashion as she took the seat.
"This is mine?" Mackenzie asked, taking the second cup.
"Yes," Colby said. She looked tired, sad, and all around grumpy.
"So what's wrong?" Mackenzie asked, skipping any attempt Colby might have of beating around the bush.
"I'm not graduating," Colby said.
"What?" Mackenzie asked, genuinely surprised. "I thought you passed everything with flying colors."
"I did. It's just…I don't know. Just being in the academy burned me out."
"Colby…you can't be serious."
Her tone had come with some force but she didn't care. This was not like Colby at all. Such a decision had come with some soul-searching. This was not a fluke, not some drama-filled last gasp of a woman plagued with nerves.
How could she just quit?
"But I am serious," Colby said. "I haven't really been passionate about it for the last three weeks or so. I'd go home some days and cry by myself because I felt trapped. I just don't want it anymore."
Mackenzie was stunned; she hardly knew what to say.
"Well, the day of graduation is one hell of a time to make this decision."
Colby shrugged and looked back out the window. She looked beaten. Defeated.
"Colby…you can't drop out. Don't do that." What was on the tip of her tongue but she did not say was: If you quit now, these last twenty weeks mean nothing. It also makes you a quitter.
"Ah, but I'm not really dropping out," Colby said. "I'll go to graduation today. I have to, actually. My parents came up from Florida so I sort of have to. But after today, that'll be it."
When Mackenzie had started the academy, the instructors had warned them that the drop-out rate among potential agents during the twenty-week academy session was around twenty percent-and had been as high as thirty in the past. But to think of Colby among those numbers simply didn't make sense.
Colby was too strong-too determined. How the hell could she be making such a decision so easily?
"What will you do?" Mackenzie asked. "If you actually leave all of this behind, what do you plan to do for a career?"
"I don't know," she said. "Maybe something along the lines of preventing human trafficking. Research and resources or something. I mean, I don't have to be an agent, right? There's plenty of other options. I just don't want to be an agent."
"You're actually serious about this," Mackenzie said dryly.
"I am. I just wanted to let you know now because after graduation, my parents will be fawning all over me."
Oh, you poor thing, Mackenzie thought, sarcastically. That must be so terrible.
"I don't get it," Mackenzie said.
"I don't expect you to. You're awesome at this. You love it. I think you were built for it, you know? Me…I don't know. Crash and burn, I guess."
"God, Colby…I'm sorry."
"No need to be," she said. "Once I send Mom and Dad back to Florida, all the pressure will be off. I'll tell 'em I just wasn't cut out for whatever bullshit assignment I was handed off the bat. And then it's off to whatever I want, I guess."
"Well…good luck, I guess," Mackenzie said.
"None of that, please," Colby said. "You're graduating in the top five percent today. Don't you dare let my drama bring you down. You've been a very good friend, Mac. I wanted you to hear this from me now rather than just noticing that I wasn't around in a few weeks."
Mackenzie made no attempt to hide her disappointment. She hated to feel like she was resorting to childish tactics, but she remained silent for a while, sipping on her coffee.
"How about you?" Colby asked. "Any family or friends coming up?"
"None," Mackenzie said.
"Oh," Colby said, a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I didn't know-"
"No need to apologize," Mackenzie said. It was now her turn to look blankly out the window when she added: "I sort of like it this way."
***
Mackenzie was underwhelmed by graduation. It was really nothing more than a formalized version of her high school graduation and not quite as classy and formal as her college graduation. As she waited for her name to be called, she had plenty of time to reflect back on those graduations and how her family had seemed to fade further and further into the background with each one.
She could recall nearly crying while walking to the stage at her high school graduation, saddened by the fact that her father would never see her grow up. She'd known it through her teen years but it was a fact that struck her like a rock between the eyes as she had walked up to the stage to receive her diploma. It was not something that had stirred her as much in college. When she had walked the stage during her college graduation, she had done so with no family in the crowd. It was, she realized during the academy ceremony, the pivotal moment in her life when she decided once and for all that she preferred to be alone in most things in life. If her family had no interest in her, then she had no interest in them.
The ceremony ended without much fanfare and when it was over, she spotted Colby taking pictures with her mother and father on the other side of the large lobby that the graduates and their guests all filed out into afterward. From what Mackenzie could tell, Colby was doing an excellent job of hiding her displeasure from her parents. All the while, her parents beamed proudly.
Feeling awkward and with nothing to do, Mackenzie started to wonder just how quickly she could get out of the assembly, get home and out of her graduation garb, and open the first of what would likely be several beers for the afternoon. As she started heading for the doors, she heard a familiar voice from behind her, calling her name.
"Hey, Mackenzie," the male voice said. She knew who it was at once-not just because of the voice itself, but because there were few people who called her Mackenzie in this environment rather than just White.
It was Ellington. He was dressed in a suit and looked just about as uncomfortable as Mackenzie felt. Still, the smile he gave her was a little too comfortable. Yet in that moment, she didn't really mind.
"Hi, Agent Ellington."
"I think in a situation like this, it's okay to call me Jared."
"I prefer Ellington," she said with a brief smile of her own.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
She shrugged, realizing just how badly she wanted to get out of there. She could tell herself all the lies she wanted, but the fact that she had no family, friends, or loved ones in attendance was starting to weigh on her.
"Just a shrug?" Ellington asked.
"Well, how should I feel?"
"Accomplished. Proud. Excited. Just to name a few."
"I'm all of those things," she said. "It's just…I don't know. The whole ceremony aspect of it seems a little much."
"I can understand that," Ellington said. "God, I hate wearing a suit."
Mackenzie was about to come back with a comment-maybe about how he actually wore the suit well-when she saw McGrath approaching from behind Ellington. He also smiled at her but, unlike Ellington's, his seemed nearly forced. He extended his hand to her and she took it, surprised at how limp his grip was.
"I'm glad you made it through," McGrath said. "I know you have a bright and promising career ahead of you."
"No pressure or anything, right?" Ellington said.
"The top five percent," McGrath said, not allowing Mackenzie a chance to say a single word. "Damn fine work, White."
"Thank you, sir," was all she could find to say.
McGrath leaned in close, all business now. "I'd like for you to come to my office Monday morning at eight o'clock. I wanted to get you deep inside the inner workings as soon as possible. I already have your paperwork drafted up-I actually took care of that a long time ago, so it would all be ready when this day came. That's how much faith I have in you. So…let's not wait. Monday at eight. Sound good?"
"Of course," she said, surprised at this uncharacteristic display of glowing support.
He smiled, shook her hand again, and quickly disappeared into the crowd.
When McGrath was gone, Ellington gave her a perplexed look and a wide grin.
"So, he's in good spirits. And I can tell you that doesn't happen very often."
"Well, it's a big day for him, I guess," Mackenzie said. "A whole new talent pool for him to pick and choose from."
"That's true," Ellington said. "But all jokes aside, the man is really smart with how he utilizes new agents. Keep that in mind when you meet with him on Monday."
An awkward silence passed between them; it was a silence that they had gotten used to and that had become a staple of their friendship-or whatever it was that was going on between them.
"Well, look," Ellington said. "I just wanted to say congrats. And I wanted to let you know that you're always welcome to call me if things get too real. I know that sounds dumb but at some point-even for the infamous Mackenzie White-you're going to need someone to vent to. It can catch up to you pretty quickly."
"Thanks," she said.
Then, suddenly, she wanted to ask him to come with her-not in any sort of romantic way, but just to have a familiar face with her. She knew him relatively well and even though she had conflicted feelings about him, she wanted him by her side. She hated to admit it, but she was starting to feel that she should do something to celebrate this day and this moment in her life. Even if it was just spending a few awkward hours with Ellington, it would be better (and likely more productive) than sitting around feeling sorry for herself and drinking alone.
But she said nothing. And even if she could have mustered the courage, it would not have mattered; Ellington quickly gave her a little nod and then, like McGrath, slipped back into the crowd.
Mackenzie stood there for a moment, doing her best to shrug off the increasing feeling of being utterly alone.
