Chapter 1
My phone rang.
"Hello," I said. "Flytrap Detective Agency."
A slow voice started asking me questions.
"Is this Mr. Flytrap?"
"My name," I answered, "is Inspector Flytrap. I am a detective."
"Are you really a plant?"
"Yes, I am a Venus flytrap, a rare type of plant that catches and eats flies."
"Did you say flies?" the slow voice asked.
"Yes."
"You eat flies?"
"Yes. And any other small insects I can catch."
"That's disgusting!"
I was starting to get mad.
"Listen, pal," I said. "Look me up in the encyclopedia, if you want, but I don't have time to be slowly insulted all day. Do you have a mystery for me to solve or not?"
"Yes."
"Is it a BIG DEAL mystery?"
"Well … ," said the slow voice. "It is … a big deal … to me …"
"OK, pal," I said. "Tell me about it. As quickly as possible. I'm in a big hurry!"
"I lost my pickle paperweight."
"What's that?"
"It's a metal pickle … that's used to hold papers … down on a desk."
"Sorry, pal," I said. "I solve only BIG DEAL mysteries!"
And I hung up before he could start a slow argument about it.
Sheesh! A lost metal pickle! Who cares! That's a SMALL DEAL.
I'm trying to become the greatest detective that ever grew! I don't have time to go around looking for metal pickles!
Chapter 2
My phone rang.
"Hello," I said. "Flytrap Detective Agency."
A beautiful voice said, "Is this Mr. Flytrap?"
"Actually, it's Inspector Flytrap," I said. "Do you have a mystery?"
"Yes, I do," said the beautiful voice.
"Is it a BIG DEAL mystery?"
"Yes! It is a very, very BIG DEAL!"
The beautiful voice told me all about it. I said I would be right over.
After I hung up the phone, I shouted for my assistant, Nina the Goat. She's a goat.
"Nina! Get the skateboard! They've got a BIG DEAL mystery at the art museum!"
"Big deal," said Nina, who was busy gnawing on my desk. She is always hungry. And she eats everything—old shoes, tires, broccoli, and cans of spaghetti. By that I mean she eats the spaghetti and the can! It's scary to have an assistant who eats everything, especially for a plant like me.
But when she's not eating things and making me nervous, Nina is really helpful. She helps me get around. See, I can't just walk down to the crime scene or run after a suspect. Like I said, I'm a plant. Plants don't walk or run. We just sit. But I don't like to sit in one place too long.
Nina puts my flowerpot on a skateboard. Then she pushes me wherever I need to go.
This time we were headed downtown to the art museum. It's always scary when Nina has to push me through traffic. She never wants to wait for the light to change or to cross at the corner. She just shoves me out into the street, right in front of speeding traffic!
She always wants to go down one-way streets the wrong way, but I've told her it's too dangerous. I'd get run over, for sure!
I also like to avoid hills. When we have to go up a hill, Nina complains a lot. And when we go down a hill, she jumps on the board and we go way, way too fast.
When we rolled up to the art museum, there was an emu waiting for us.
"What a beautiful emu," I said.
"Big deal," said Nina.
"Hello, Mr. Flytrap," said the emu. It was the same beautiful voice I had heard on the phone. "I am Lulu Emu."
"Hello, Lulu Emu. I am Inspector Flytrap, and this is Nina the Goat. We're ready to solve your BIG DEAL mystery."
"SHHHHHHHHHHHH! This is all top secret!" said Lulu Emu. "We can't let anyone hear about it. There could be spies around."
I looked, but all I saw was a sloth reading a newspaper. It didn't look like a suspicious sloth, but then I'm not sure what a sloth looks like when it's being suspicious.
"If you'll follow me, I'll take you to the Top Secret Art Lab," said Lulu Emu.
She started to push me into the museum. "We don't allow horned mammals in here," she said to Nina.
Nina's eyes turned red. She gave Lulu a very, very nasty look.
"Nina is my assistant," I said. "I cannot and will not work on your BIG DEAL mystery without her."
"Oh, all right," said Lulu Emu. "But she has to be on her best behavior."
"Big deal," snarled Nina, and she butted my skateboard with her horns. I knew she was mad, but why does she always have to take it out on me?
"Watch it, Nina!" I yelled as she sent me rolling wildly through the doors.
As I went zooming helplessly through the museum, I saw lots of beautiful art.
I saw a huge painting of a chicken standing on its head. And a statue of an elephant covered in zebra stripes. Over my head were huge plastic vampire teeth, dangling from wires. Was that supposed to be art?
Finally my skateboard slowed down and stopped in front of a painting of a lady eating spaghetti.
Lulu Emu and Nina caught up to me.
"Ah," said Lulu Emu. "This is a very famous painting. It's called The Mona Spaghetti."
"Big meal," said Nina. She was looking a little hungry.
"Er … we'd better get right to work," I told Lulu Emu.
She took a remote control from her pocket and typed in a bunch of numbers.
The remote beeped, and then the spaghetti painting beeped, and then it swung open like a door. Behind it we could see a secret room with lots of microscopes and computers and stuff.
"Welcome to our Top Secret Art Lab," said Lulu Emu.
Chapter 3
Inside the Top Secret Art Lab there were a bunch of art scientists working on paintings and statues.
Lulu Emu led us to a painting of a flower. It was the most beautiful flower I had ever seen. Being a plant, I know a thing or two about beautiful flowers! And this one was good-looking!
"Big deal," said Nina.
"Look!" said Lulu Emu. "We have just found this painting by Leonardo da Vinci."
"Who?" I asked.
"Leonardo da Vinci was a famous painter and inventor who lived a long time ago," said Lulu Emu.
"Did he always paint flowers?" I asked.
"No," said Lulu Emu. "He painted pretty ladies, horses, a flying machine, and many other things. In fact, he also painted The Mona Spaghetti, which you just saw. But this painting is the only flower painting he ever made."
"It's very pretty," I said. "But what's the BIG DEAL mystery about it?"
"Well, we think that da Vinci left a secret message! Look!"
Lulu Emu pointed to the bottom of the painting.
There was a yellow blob down there.
"Big deal," said Nina.
I had to agree with Nina. Had Lulu Emu called me just to look at a yellow blob?
"That doesn't really seem like a BIG DEAL mystery to me," I said.
"But it is a big deal," replied Lulu Emu. "Leonardo da Vinci was one of the smartest people ever. He may have left this message to give us great wisdom—or maybe even the secret of life."
I looked at the yellow blob. I did not see wisdom. I did not see the secret of life. I saw only a yellow blob.
"Or," said Lulu Emu, "maybe it's the secret to finding a great treasure."
I got out my magnifying glass.
"Push me closer, Nina. I want a better look."
"You didn't say 'please,'" said Nina.
"OK, please push me closer."
She shoved my skateboard with a hoof, and I rolled over to the painting.
Chapter 4
All the art scientists crowded around to see what I would see when I looked at the blob.
"Hmm," I said.
I said "Hmm" so it would sound like I was thinking something really smart.
Instead, I was thinking that I was looking at a yellow blob. A slightly greenish-yellow blob, actually.
Wait a minute! Maybe the blob looked like a hand … a pointing hand! Well, not really. Maybe the letter R? No, not much.
Or a duckie? Or Nina's mom?
No, not any of those things. It just looked like a blob.
"Have you had the blob scientifically tested?" I asked.
"No, it's too important and valuable for us to even touch," said Lulu Emu. "Hey! What's your goat doing?"
Nina was licking the yellow blob.
"Stop!" shouted Lulu Emu and all the scientists. "That blob is priceless!"
"Big deal," said Nina. "It's too salty anyway."
"Salty?" I said. "Hmm."
This time I said "Hmm" because I really meant it.
Finally it was starting to make sense. I just needed to know one more thing.
"Do you know anything about Leonardo da Vinci?" I asked Lulu Emu.
"Of course! He was born in Italy in—"
I interrupted her. "Do you happen to know how tall he was?"
"About this tall," said Lulu Emu. She held out one foot just above the yellow blob.
"AHA!" I shouted. "I have solved the BIG DEAL mystery."
Chapter 5
Lulu Emu and the art scientists were very excited. One of them got out a video camera.
"This is a BIG DEAL moment in the history of art," said Lulu Emu. "Please tell us what Leonardo da Vinci's mysterious yellow blob means."
"Imagine da Vinci in his studio," I said. "He has decided to paint a flower for the first time. He has never painted a flower before. He has a flower model to paint from. He does not realize that he is allergic to flowers.
"He has to sneeze! But his hands are full. He has a paintbrush in one hand. He has a paint tray in the other hand. He can't get out his hankie!
"AH-CHOO! He sneezes right on the painting."
"You mean," said Lulu Emu, "the yellow blob is a …"
"Yes," I said. "It is Leonardo da Vinci's booger!"
Lulu Emu groaned. The video camera was turned off. All of the art scientists grumbled and went back to their work. Except for one, who seemed very excited.
"I'm in charge of the museum's Gallery of Mucus," he said, picking the yellow blob off the painting. "This will be our second-greatest exhibit, next to George Washington's earwax!"
Lulu Emu looked sad. A tear rolled down her beautiful feathery face.
"I'm sorry—" I started to say, but Nina gave me a hard push out the door.
Chapter 6
Nina pushed me back through traffic to my office. I almost got run over by a minivan this time.
"Whew," I said when we reached the office. "I could really use a drink."
Nina poured a whole bottle of water into my pot. Then she ate the bottle.
"Ah, much better," I said. I was just starting to relax when my phone rang.
"Flytrap Detective Agency," I said. "Do you have a BIG DEAL mystery?"
"Yes," a beautiful voice said. "This is Lulu Emu. We have another BIG DEAL mystery at the art museum!"
"Already? What is it?"
"Someone has destroyed our most famous piece of art!"
"Which one was it?" I asked. "The upside-down chicken?"
"No," said Lulu Emu. "It's The Mona Spaghetti. It's got a big hole in it where the spaghetti used to be."
"AHA!" I shouted. "I have solved another BIG DEAL mystery."
"Already?" said Lulu. "Who did it?"
"It was my assistant, Nina the Goat. She took a bite out of the painting as we left."
Lulu Emu screamed. Her voice didn't sound so beautiful anymore.
"She's pretty mad, Nina," I said. "She says that painting was worth 100 million dollars."
"Big deal," said Nina.
