He had not expected to be so long away from any communication with the outer world, and something in the nature of a stricken conscience took him back to England.He found a second William Porphyry in the world, dominating Chexington, and Amanda tenderly triumphant and passionate, the Madonna enthroned.For William Porphyry he could feel no emotion.William Porphyry was very red and ugly and protesting, feeble and aggressive, a matter for a skilled nurse.To see him was to ignore him and dispel a dream.It was to Amanda Benham turned again.
For some days he was content to adore his Madonna and listen to the familiar flatteries of her love.He was a leaner, riper man, Amanda said, and wiser, so that she was afraid of him....
And then he became aware that she was requiring him to stay at her side."We have both had our adventures," she said, which struck him as an odd phrase.
It forced itself upon his obstinate incredulity that all those conceptions of heroic love and faithfulness he had supposed to be so clearly understood between them had vanished from her mind.She had absolutely forgotten that twilight moment at the window which had seemed to him the crowning instant, the real marriage of their lives.It had gone, it had left no recoverable trace in her.And upon his interpretations of that he had loved her passionately for a year.She was back at exactly the ideas and intentions that ruled her during their first settlement in London.She wanted a joint life in the social world of London, she demanded his presence, his attention, the daily practical evidences of love.It was all very well for him to be away when the child was coming, but now everything was different.Now he must stay by her.
This time he argued no case.These issues he had settled for ever.
Even an indignant dissertation from Lady Marayne, a dissertation that began with appeals and ended in taunts, did not move him.
Behind these things now was India.The huge problems of India had laid an unshakeable hold upon his imagination.He had seen Russia, and he wanted to balance that picture by a vision of the east....
He saw Easton only once during a week-end at Chexington.The young man displayed no further disposition to be confidentially sentimental.But he seemed to have something on his mind.And Amanda said not a word about him.He was a young man above suspicion, Benham felt....
And from his departure the quality of the correspondence of these two larger carnivores began to change.Except for the repetition of accustomed endearments, they ceased to be love letters in any sense of the word.They dealt chiefly with the "Cub," and even there Benham felt presently that the enthusiasm diminished.A new amazing quality for Amanda appeared--triteness.The very writing of her letters changed as though it had suddenly lost backbone.Her habitual liveliness of phrasing lost its point.Had she lost her animation? Was she ill unknowingly? Where had the light gone? It was as if her attention was distracted....As if every day when she wrote her mind was busy about something else.
Abruptly at last he understood.A fact that had never been stated, never formulated, never in any way admitted, was suddenly pointed to convergently by a thousand indicating fingers, and beyond question perceived to be THERE....
He left a record of that moment of realization.
"Suddenly one night I woke up and lay still, and it was as if I had never seen Amanda before.Now I saw her plainly, I saw her with that same dreadful clearness that sometimes comes at dawn, a pitiless, a scientific distinctness that has neither light nor shadow....
"Of course," I said, and then presently I got up very softly....
"I wanted to get out of my intolerable, close, personal cabin.Iwanted to feel the largeness of the sky.I went out upon the deck.
We were off the coast of Madras, and when I think of that moment, there comes back to me also the faint flavour of spice in the air, the low line of the coast, the cool flooding abundance of the Indian moonlight, the swish of the black water against the side of the ship.And a perception of infinite loss, as if the limitless heavens above this earth and below to the very uttermost star were just one boundless cavity from which delight had fled....
"Of course I had lost her.I knew it with absolute certainty.Iknew it from her insecure temperament, her adventurousness, her needs.I knew it from every line she had written me in the last three months.I knew it intuitively.She had been unfaithful.She must have been unfaithful.
"What had I been dreaming about to think that it would not be so?"21
"Now let me write down plainly what I think of these matters.Let me be at least honest with myself, whatever self-contradictions Imay have been led into by force of my passions.Always I have despised jealousy....
