ABOUT the same time,I encountered a man in the street,whom I had not seen for six or seven years;and something like this talk followed.I said--'But you used to look sad and oldish;you don't now.
Where did you get all this youth and bubbling cheerfulness?
Give me the address.'He chuckled blithely,took off his shining tile,pointed to a notched pink circlet of paper pasted into its crown,with something lettered on it,and went on chuckling while I read,'J.B ----,UNDERTAKER.'
Then he clapped his hat on,gave it an irreverent tilt to leeward,and cried out--'That's what's the matter!It used to be rough times with me when you knew me--insurance-agency business,you know;mighty irregular.
Big fire,all right--brisk trade for ten days while people scared;after that,dull policy-business till next fire.Town like this don't have fires often enough--a fellow strikes so many dull weeks in a row that he gets discouraged.But you bet you,this is the business!
People don't wait for examples to die.No,sir,they drop off right along--there ain't any dull spots in the undertaker line.
I just started in with two or three little old coffins and a hired hearse,and now look at the thing!I've worked up a business here that would satisfy any man,don't care who he is.
Five years ago,lodged in an attic;live in a swell house now,with a mansard roof,and all the modern inconveniences.'
'Does a coffin pay so well.Is there much profit on a coffin?'
'Go-way!How you talk!'Then,with a confidential wink,a dropping of the voice,and an impressive laying of his hand on my arm;'Look here;there's one thing in this world which isn't ever cheap.
That's a coffin.There's one thing in this world which a person don't ever try to jew you down on.That's a coffin.There's one thing in this world which a person don't say--"I'll look around a little,and if I find I can't do better I'll come back and take it."That's a coffin.There's one thing in this world which a person won't take in pine if he can go walnut;and won't take in walnut if he can go mahogany;and won't take in mahogany if he can go an iron casket with silver door-plate and bronze handles.That's a coffin.
And there's one thing in this world which you don't have to worry around after a person to get him to pay for.And that's a coffin.
Undertaking?--why it's the dead-surest business in Christendom,and the nobbiest.
'Why,just look at it.A rich man won't have anything but your very best;and you can just pile it on,too--pile it on and sock it to him--he won't ever holler.And you take in a poor man,and if you work him right he'll bust himself on a single lay-out.Or especially a woman.F'r instance:
Mrs.O'Flaherty comes in--widow--wiping her eyes and kind of moaning.
Unhandkerchiefs one eye,bats it around tearfully over the stock;says--"And fhat might ye ask for that wan?"
"Thirty-nine dollars,madam,"says I.
"It 's a foine big price,sure,but Pat shall be buried like a gintleman,as he was,if I have to work me fingers off for it.I'll have that wan,sor."
