'Never;--but I will forgive her everything.I will forgive all the injuries that have been done me if you will now do as I ask you.'
Of course she knew what it was he was about to ask.When he had left her at Longbarns without saying a word of his love, without giving her a hint whereby she might allow herself to think that he intended to renew his suit, then she had wept because it was so.Though her resolution had been quite firm as to the duty which was incumbent on her of remaining in her desolate condition of almost nameless widowhood, yet she had been unable to refrain from bitter tears because he also had seemed to see that such was her duty.But now again, knowing that the request was coming, feeling once more confident of the constancy of his love, she was urgent with herself as to that heavy duty.She would be womanly, dead to all shame, almost inhuman, were she to allow herself again to indulge in love after all the havoc she had made.She had been little more than a bride when that husband, for whom she had often been forced to blush, had been driven by the weight of his misfortunes and disgraces to destroy himself! By the marriage she had made she had overwhelmed her whole family with dishonour.She had done it with a persistency of perverse self-will which she herself could not now look back on without wonder and horror.She, too, should have died as well as he;--only that death had not ben within the compass of her powers as of his.How the could she forget it all, and wipe it away from her mind, as she would figures from a slate with a wet towel? How could it be fit that she should again be a bride with such a spectre of a husband haunting her memory? She had known that the request was to be made when he took his sudden departure.She had known it well, when just now the servant told her that Mr Fletcher was in the drawing-room below.But she was quite certain of the answer she must make.'I should be sorry you should ask me anything I cannot do,' she said in a very low voice.
'I will ask you nothing for which I have not your father's sanction.'
'The time has gone by, Arthur, in which I might well have been guided by my father.There comes a time when personal feelings must be stronger than a father's authority.Papa cannot see me with my own eyes, he cannot understand what I feel.It is simply this,--that he would have me to be other than I am.But I am what I have made myself.'
'You have not heard me as yet.You will hear me?'
'Oh, yes.'
'I have loved you ever since I was a boy.' He paused as though he expected that she would make some answer to this; but of course there was nothing she could say.'I have been true to you since we were together almost as children.'
'It is your nature to be true.'
'In this matter, at any rate.I shall never change.I never for a moment had a doubt about my love.There never has been anyone else whom I have ventured to compare with you.Then came that great trouble.Emily, you must let me speak freely this once, as so much, to me at least, depends on it.'
'Say what you will, Arthur.Do not wound me more than you can help.'
'God knows how willingly I would heal every wound without a word if it could be done.I don't know whether you ever thought what I suffered when he came among us and robbed me,--well, I will not say robbed me of your love, because it was not mine--but took away with him that which I had been trying to win.'
'I did not think a man would feel like that.'
'Why shouldn't a man feel as well as a woman? I had set my heart on having you for my wife.Can any desire be nearer to a man than that? Then he came.Well, dearest, surely I may say that he was not worthy of you.'
'We were neither of us worthy,' she said.
'I need not tell you that we all grieved.It seemed to us down in Hertfordshire as though a black cloud had come upon us.We could not speak of you, nor yet could we be altogether silent.'
'Of course you condemned me,--as an outcast.'
'Did I write to you as though you were an outcast? Did I treat you when I saw you as an outcast? When I come to you to-day, is that proof that I think you to be an outcast? I have never deceived you, Emily.'
'Never.'
'Then you will believe me when I say that through it all not one word of reproach or contumely has ever passed my lips in regard to you.That you should have given yourself to one whom I could think worthy of you, was, of course, a great sorrow.Had he been a prince of men it would have of course been a sorrow to me.How it went with you during your married life I will not ask.'
'I was unhappy.I would tell you everything if I could.I was very unhappy.'
'Then came--the end.' She was now weeping with her face buried in her handkerchief.'I would spare you if I knew how, but there are some things which must be said.'
'No;--no.I will bear it all--from you.'
'Well! His success had not lessened my love.Though then Icould have no hope,--though you were utterly removed from me,--all that could not change me.There it was,--as though my arm or my leg had been taken from me.It was bad to live without an arm or a leg, but there was no help.I went on with my life and tried not to look like a whipped cur;--though John from time to time would tell me that I failed.But now;--now that is again all changed,--what would you have me do now? It may be that after all my limb may be restored to me, that I may be again as other men are, whole, and sound, and happy;--so happy! When it may possibly be within my reach am I not to look for my happiness?' He paused, but she wept on without speaking a word.
'There are those who will say that I should wait till all these signs of woe have been laid aside.But why should I wait? There has come a great blot on your life, and is it not well that it should be covered as quickly as possible?'
'It can never be covered.'
'You mean that it can never be forgotten.No doubt there are passages in our life which we cannot forget, though we bury them in the deepest silence.All this can never be driven out of your memory,--nor from mine.But it need not therefore blacken our lives.In such a condition we should not be ruled by what the world thinks.'
