Up in her room, Keira held her phone in her trembling hand and tried to calm her ragged breath. She dialed Shane's number, willing him to pick up, to stop blocking her out. But he didn't. The voicemail clicked on.
"Shane, it's me again. I know you don't want to speak to me but hear me out, please? There's so much I need to say. I know there's nothing I can say to make this okay. And I understand if you don't accept my apology. But I really care about you, Shane. And I'm leaving tomorrow. I don't want us to part like this, on this sour note. I need you to know how sorry I am. I wish I could go back in time and not write a single one of those awful words. I was wrong. I was being the snob you thought I was. But everything has changed now. Please, let's talk this through. I don't want to go without saying a proper goodbye."
She hung up. Leaving the message had been very difficult to do. But hadn't Simon and Sylvia told her the best course of action was honesty? She sounded nervous because she was, and there was nothing wrong with Shane knowing that.
She sat on the bed and stared at her phone, breathing deeply. She'd never felt so on edge; not when Zachary was losing it that day when she told him she was flying to Ireland; not even when Joshua had called her out and insulted her in front of the entire writing staff. She realized now that that was because she hadn't cared about either of those things even half as much as she thought she did. What she cared about was Shane. How had it taken her so long to realize? To accept her feelings toward him? She'd pretty much left it until the very last second! If Shane didn't call her back today it would be too late-she was flying home tomorrow; there would be no other chance to make amends.
She twiddled her fingers and watched her phone, willing it to ring. Then suddenly it did.
Keira's heart leapt into her throat. She grabbed the phone. But it wasn't Shane calling her back. It was Zachary.
Keira felt immediately enraged to see his name there. How dare he be calling her?
She was about to reject the call-neither wanting to hear Zach's voice or block up the line in case Shane did decide to call her back-but paused for a brief moment of reflection. Why would Zachary be calling her? Things had ended so sourly between them. For him to get in touch after all these weeks of silence worried her. Maybe it was something to do with the apartment they rented together? What if it was something even worse like his mom or sister being struck down with an illness? What if he'd been diagnosed with something terminal?
Realizing she was just going to work herself up into a frenzy by speculating, Keira reluctantly accepted the call.
"I didn't think you were going to pick up," Zach said.
It was so strange to hear his voice again.
"I wasn't sure I was going to," Keira replied. "Your voice isn't exactly one I've been wanting to hear."
"That's a bit harsh," Zach said.
"Is it?" Keira challenged him. "Were you really expecting me to be cordial after the way you treated me?"
Zach sighed. "I'm not calling you to drag up the past."
"I'm sure you aren't!" Keira said. "It paints you in a pretty bad light if I recall." She found that she was suddenly fuming. All the anger she'd had inside of her all this time was suddenly spilling out.
"Keira, can you just shut up for a minute?" Zach said. "I need to talk to you."
Keira was about to lay into him for his rudeness, but the tone of his voice concerned her. "What's happened? Is everything okay?"
Her mind went into overdrive imagining all the bad things he might be about to tell her. As much as she hated Ruth, she still didn't like the thought of her dying suddenly in a car crash.
"Yeah. It's just, well, you're coming home tomorrow, aren't you?"
He sounded nervous. Keira wondered why.
"I'm landing midday local time. But don't worry, I won't come to the apartment if that's weird. I can stay at Bryn's for a bit then arrange a time to pick up my stuff."
There was silence on the other end of the line. Then Zach spoke again.
"That's the thing, Keira," he said. "I'm wondering whether it would be too hasty for you to pack up and move out. I mean, we haven't had a post-breakup meeting or anything."
Keira frowned, confused. "Is this some new modern relationship thing I don't know about?" she asked sarcastically. "I wasn't aware it was customary to meet face to face once you'd broken up."
"I just think it would be a good idea. I mean, things can be said over the phone in the heat of the moment that shouldn't have been."
Keira grew even more puzzled. "Are you referring to anything specific?"
Another long pause.
"I just mean how are we supposed to know it's really over when you've been away for a whole month? We haven't seen each other, or even spoken really. We might feel differently when we're face to face."
"I don't think I'm going to feel differently about you cheating on me," she scoffed. "On second thought, I might feel angrier about it if I see you face to face. It will make the mental pictures easier to imagine."
"Keira, please," Zach said. "This is difficult for me."
"What's difficult?" Keira demanded, exasperated. "You're not saying anything."
"I'm being quite clear," Zach said.
"No you're not!" She couldn't help but think of the advice Simon and Sylvia had given her about apologizing, accepting your flaws, realizing you're often wrong, speaking honestly and from the heart. Zach seemed incapable of all of those things.
"I'm saying we should try again," he said finally. "See how we go. You come back to the apartment and we'll have a drink together, you know? Talk things through face to face."
Keira's frown intensified. "You mean get back together?" She could hardly believe what she was hearing. This seemed completely out of the blue.
"Sure," Zach replied. "Maybe."
His evasiveness was grating on her. He couldn't even say a straight "yes" because that would be a roundabout way of admitting he'd been wrong in the first place. Not that it would make a difference to her. She was so over Zach. This call was nothing more than confirmation of what she already knew.
"Why the hell would I want to do that?" she said. "Why would you, come to think of it? I'm never going to be the kind of girl you need me to be. You know, lacking ambition. Putting your needs above my own."
"That's not what I wanted you to be," Zachary snapped. "I was always very supportive of your career."
Keira couldn't help herself from barking out a laugh. "Yeah, because giving someone an ultimatum between taking an amazing opportunity at work and staying in a relationship with them are the actions of a completely supportive boyfriend?"
"Now you're just being facetious. There was never an ultimatum."
Keira threw her arms up, exasperated. Zachary seemed to possess the ability to rewrite history whenever he desired to support whatever position he needed it to. It was beyond infuriating.
"I think I know what's happened," Keira said. "Your little fling with Julia has ended and you're wondering where you're going to get your next kicks from. Well, listen to me carefully. It won't be with me."
"You're being crass. This isn't just about sex. What we had was great."
There he went again, reinventing the past.
"Maybe for you it was," Keira said sternly. "But it wasn't for me."
"Look, here's what I propose," Zach said, as if he just wasn't hearing what she was saying. "I'll pick you up from the airport. We'll grab coffee and lunch. Talk things through like grown-ups."
She took a deep breath. "Zach, that's not going to happen. You're literally the last person I want to see when I get back to New York City."
"Now you're being dramatic," he argued. "Let's just see how it goes when we're together again. I'm sure there will still be sparks."
"You're not listening to me!" Keira yelled, the last semblance of patience she had left completely evaporating. "I DO NOT want to be with you anymore. I DO NOT want to see you or speak to you or have a goddamn coffee with you. Because I DO NOT love you."
"I'm not asking you to love me," Zach replied. "It's not like love ever entered into the equation before."
"Then what's the point?" Keira cried, realizing as she said it just how much she now meant it. "Why bother being with someone who doesn't move your whole world?"
Shane's face materialized in her mind's eye as she spoke the words. Her longing for him intensified.
"Because we had fun," Zach replied. He was talking more quickly now, his nerves audible in his voice. Perhaps it was finally sinking in.
"That's the thing," Keira said. "We didn't have a great time together. In fact, we were pretty incompatible. If you don't love someone after two years together you're never going to, and that's not because love's changed in the modern world, it's because…it's because we just didn't have it. I'm sorry, Zach. But I know that now."
"I don't understand," Zachary replied. "You've been abroad for a month and, what, you've found yourself? That's a bit cliché, don't you think?"
Keira realized how little she cared about his criticism. Keeping Zachary happy wasn't even on her radar anymore.
"Maybe to you," she said. "But I don't care. It is what it is. I've changed. And we're over. You and me. For good."
Zach didn't seem to be getting the message. "How about I give you a couple of days to settle back into New York City life?" he suggested, sounding hopeful.
"NO!" Keira cried. "Listen to me. I'm saying no. I don't love you. I never did. I never will. I'm in love with someone else."
The words tumbled from her mouth, and she left it hanging open, shocked and surprised to hear herself. But it was true, wasn't it? She loved Shane. That's what she'd discovered since coming here. Love was real, because she'd found it in him.
"Who?" Zach demanded.
"No one you know."
"Someone in Ireland?" His tone had changed. She could hear the sneer in his voice. "That's a bit doomed, don't you think?"
Keira shrugged and took a deep breath. "I guess it is." There was nothing left to say. Loving Shane but not being able to be with him didn't equate to returning to Zachary. It never would. "I'm going to go now. Bye, Zach."
She hung up before she could hear his response.
Sitting back down on the bed, Keira stared at her phone in her hand again. But she was done willing it to ring. She'd had enough of sitting impassively in her room waiting for Shane to take the bait. She'd just admitted to herself that she loved him. There was no way she could just sit here and hope he decided to get back in touch. She was running out of time. He needed to know. And she needed to tell him.
She stood and exited her room, then hurried down the stairs. In the pub, she waved to Orin behind the bar.
"He's gone home, hasn't he?" she asked him. "To his mom and dad's?"
Orin's face twisted with indecision. "He told me not to tell you."
Ouch. That stung. But Keira was determined.
"You didn't tell me," she said. "I worked it out myself. You just nodded."
Orin looked from left to right as though checking for witnesses. Then he nodded his head quickly.
Keira smiled at him, triumphant. Then she hurried out of the pub, armed with everything she needed: a destination, a goal, and a pounding heart.
