There were three things that Sabrina took great pride in: one, she had successfully arm-wrestled and beaten every boy at the orphanage (including two extremely humiliated janitors); two, she wasn't afraid of heights; and three, she wasn't a sissy. But when one wakes up to find a giant hairy spider crawling on one's face, one should be allowed to throw a hissy fit. So Sabrina did just that.
Her bloodcurdling screams woke Daphne, who saw the spider and screamed, too, which made the whole thing that much more horrible for Sabrina-so she screamed even louder, which caused her sister to scream at her sister's scream, resulting in a mini-concert of hysteria that went on and on for nearly five minutes.
Granny Relda burst into their bedroom with Elvis at her side. Her face was covered in a mossy-green mud mask that she swore kept her looking young. But her mud mask wasn't nearly as startling as the deadly, sharp broadsword she held in her hand and the fierce battle cry she bellowed. Her sudden appearance renewed the screaming.
Scanning the room for attackers, the old woman said, "My goodness, lieblings-what is the matter?"
"That!" Sabrina and Daphne shouted in unison, pointing at a black tarantula the size of a baked potato. Its eight long, hairy legs and vicious-looking pinchers clicked and snapped as it leaped off the bed and clung to a nearby curtain.
"Oh, children, it's just a spider," Granny Relda said as she crossed the room and picked the creepy-crawly thing up with her bare hands. Daphne squealed and crawled under her blanket to hide.
"Just a spider?" Sabrina cried. "You could put a saddle on that thing!"
"He's South American, I believe," Granny said, petting the spider like it was a kitten. "You're a long way from home, friend. How did you find your way here?"
"Like you have to ask!" Sabrina cried.
"Now, now," the old woman said, "he's harmless."
"Is it gone yet?" Daphne's muffled voice came from under the covers. "Has it been squished?"
"He's going to pay, Granny!" Sabrina promised.
"Girls, Puck's just being a boy. Brothers do these kinds of things to their sisters all the time."
"He's not our brother!" Sabrina shouted as she crawled out of bed and stomped across the room toward the door. If Granny wasn't going to do anything about Puck's endless pranks, she'd take care of it herself.
"Where are you going?" Granny Relda asked.
"To introduce Puck's face to my fist," the girl said, marching past the old woman and out the door.
"Don't leave me in here with the spider!" Daphne begged.
Puck, like Mr. Canis, was an Everafter, but weird on a whole different level. He was a four-thousand-year-old fairy in the body of an eleven-year-old boy. Rude, selfish, smelly, and obnoxious, he taunted Sabrina mercilessly: dumping a bucket of paint on her, rubbing her toothbrush in red-pepper flakes, filling her pockets with bloodworms, and putting something in her shoes that still made her shudder when she recalled its smell. Puck also had a slew of magical pranks. He could shape-shift into any animal and several inanimate objects. Sabrina couldn't count how many times she had gone to sit in a chair and tumbled over when it pulled itself out from under her. Why Granny Relda adored Puck was beyond comprehension, especially with his well-documented history. Everyone from William Shakespeare to Rudyard Kipling had written about Puck's exploits, yet Granny treated him as if he were one of the family. She had even invited him to live with them. Now Sabrina was determined to make the Trickster King wish he had declined the invitation.
She marched down the hall to his bedroom and pounded on the door.
"C'mon out, Puck!" she shouted.
There was no response, so she knocked again, adding a swift kick to accentuate the point. Still, he did not respond. She eyed the OFF LIMITS sign the boy had nailed to the door. Everyone deserved their privacy, but if he wasn't coming out, she'd have to go in, whether he liked it or not.
Sabrina opened the door and stepped inside…and was struck speechless. Puck's room was impossible. There were trees and grass and a stone path and a waterfall that spilled into a lagoon. There was an actual sky with clouds and kites where the ceiling should have been. In the center of a clearing was a wrestling ring in which a kangaroo wearing boxing gloves and shorts sat lazily waiting for his next challenger. A roller coaster sailed on a track above Sabrina, and an ice-cream truck was parked to one side. In the center of it all was Puck, perched on an enormous throne, wearing his stupid golden crown. He was eating an ice-cream cone that held half a dozen different-flavored scoops, all of which were dripping down his arm. The Three Little Pigs had used nails, hammers, and magic to build Puck's bedroom. Sabrina had no idea it would be so amazing.
She was so astonished by her surroundings that she failed to notice the metal plate beneath her feet. Her weight triggered the release of an egg, which rolled down a narrow track and fell onto a rusty nail, cracking its shell in half. The drippings emptied into a skillet, which tilted and struck a match, igniting a gas burner on a stove. The egg crackled and popped in the heat, causing steam to rise, which, in turn, filled a balloon that rose into the air. The balloon was connected to a string that pulled a small lever, which tipped a bucket of water into a drinking glass sitting on the high end of a seesaw. The seesaw tilted downward from the weight, untying a rope that held a heavy sandbag. The sandbag fell onto a bright red button, and then it all came to a stop.
"What is that supposed to do?" Sabrina asked.
A buzzer drowned out her voice, and before Sabrina knew it, she was catapulted off the metal plate and up, up, up, through the air and then down, down, down, into a large wooden vat of goo. There was an enormous splash.
"Doesn't anyone knock around here?" Puck complained when Sabrina finally fought her way to the surface.
"What is this stuff?" she cried, as she struggled through the vat of thick white mush filled with several floating dark chunks. The stink of it nearly made Sabrina barf.
"It's a big tub of glue and buttermilk, of course," the boy said, as if it were obvious. "With some bread-and-butter pickles added for flavor. It's quite stinky. I use it punish invaders. You did read the OFF LIMITS sign, correct?"
"You're going to pay for this, Puck!" Sabrina screamed as she struggled out of the tub. Once she was on her feet she wiped her face as well as she could and flared her nostrils.
"There she is…Miss America," the prankster sang. He tossed his huge ice-cream cone into the wrestling ring, and the kangaroo lapped it up happily. Then the boy sprang into the air, and two massive pink-streaked insect wings popped out of his back. He soared over Sabrina, giggling at her misfortune.
"Come down here, you smelly little freak!" Sabrina shouted.
"Grimm, you seem angry," Puck said.
Sabrina put up her fist. "Let me show you how angry I am."
"You want to fight me? Human, I'm royalty. A prince fights like a prince."
He flew back to his throne and swooped down, snatching two wooden swords from a collection he kept in a pile nearby. He tossed one at Sabrina's feet, then floated effortlessly to the ground.
Sabrina grabbed her weapon and held its handle tightly. If she could get a good whack at Puck with it, he'd hurt for days.
"En garde!" Puck said, waving his weapon in front of him.
The two children circled each other. Sabrina wasted no time thrusting her sword at the boy, who spun easily, dodging her attack. While she was off balance, Puck flew toward her, trying to strike her arm. But Sabrina shifted her weight and hit him on the top of his head.
"Dirty little snotface!" the boy cried as he rubbed his sore noggin. "Someone's been learning."
"Charge at me again, and you'll see what else I've learned, horsebreath!" Sabrina threatened.
Puck charged at her, swinging his wooden sword, only to have her block his attack. She took a swipe at his belly, missing him by less than an inch.
"Tsk, tsk. Looks like you haven't learned the most important lesson of all." He laughed. "Always protect your butt." He smacked Sabrina on the backside with the flat of his weapon. The blow felt like a dozen honeybee stings.
"You're as slow as you are ugly," the boy taunted.
"You miserable little stink-pig!" Sabrina screamed, wildly slashing at him.
He dodged each sloppy attack, leaping and flying out of the way, even flipping completely over her head. When he landed, he jammed his sword into her back and chuckled. "Temper, temper," he said. "You've really got to get ahold of your anger. It beats you every time."
Sabrina tossed her sword down angrily and spun around on him with fists clenched. Seeing her fury, Puck did what anybody would do when facing an angry Sabrina Grimm-he ran. She chased him around the lagoon while he laughed. He led her into some heavy brush, teasing her with every step, until they came out the other side and ran right into Granny Relda. The old woman stood over them, and her expression, or what they could see of it behind her mud mask, was disapproving.
"Old lady!" he cried. "Your face! You've been kissing hobgoblins!"
"I've had enough of this nonsense," Granny said as the dirty boy scampered to his feet and hid behind her. "The two of you need to learn to get along."
"She's the one who's trespassing. She came in here to kill me. Is this about the chainsaw? It was only supposed to scare her," he said. "If someone got hurt, it wasn't my fault."
"Chainsaw?" Sabrina cried.
"Puck, we're talking about the spider," Granny Relda said.
"Oh, the spider. How did it go off? Did it scare them out of their wits?" he asked. "Which one of them wet the bed?"
"I know you didn't mean any harm," the old woman said. "But the girls do have school today, and it would have been nice to have had a quiet, chaos-free morning for once."
Puck looked into her face as if she were speaking another language. "And what would be the fun in that?"
"Let's back up!" Sabrina demanded. "What chainsaw?"
Granny took the boy's hand and placed the furry tarantula in it. "Let's put this somewhere safe."
Puck took the spider and rubbed its furry back softly. "It's OK, little guy. Did the big, ugly girl scare you? I know she's gruesome, but you're safe now."
Sabrina growled.
"Will someone please give me an update on the spider?" Daphne shouted from the doorway. The little girl rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, then looked around with amazement. "Holy cow! You've got an ice-cream truck in here!"
"Daphne, don't stand there!" her sister warned, but the egg was already cooking and the balloon was already rising.
"Sabrina, why do you look like a walking booger?" the little girl asked as the seesaw fell. The alarm sounded, and the catapult fired Daphne into the air. She sailed into the vat of goo, then struggled to stand up as slime dripped down her face.
"What is this?" she asked.
"Glue and buttermilk!" Puck shouted.
"And bread-and-butter pickles," Sabrina added, picking a squishy slice from off her forehead.
Daphne's face curled up in confusion as if she couldn't get her brain around the idea. Then she grinned.
"I want to do it again!" She laughed.
Granny Relda helped Daphne out of the sticky soup.
"Look at the two of you," Granny said. "You're a mess."
"We can't go to school today!" Sabrina said. Suddenly, her anger at Puck faded. "I can do more research!"
"Oh lieblings, you've already missed so much. I don't want you to get behind," Granny said.
"We'll just go tomorrow, then," Sabrina suggested.
Before Granny Relda could respond, Mr. Canis appeared at the door, fully dressed in his oversized suit. He looked exhausted and feverish, even frailer than usual.
"The children have a visitor," he said, leaning unsteadily against the doorframe.
"Thank you, Mr. Canis," Granny Relda said, sounding quite motherly. "I'm sorry if it disturbed you."
"You may not want to make her wait," he said.
"Her?" Granny Relda asked. Then her face fell. "Oh, her. Thank you, old friend. I can handle it."
The old man nodded and shuffled back toward his room.
"Who's here to see them?" Puck said enviously.
Sabrina shrugged and turned to ask her grandmother, but the old woman was already hurrying out the door.
The children followed her eagerly, down the stairs and into the living room, where they saw a skinny old woman in a drab business suit snooping through their bookshelf. She picked up a volume with her bony hand and scrutinized the title. Sabrina knew the book. It was called Mermaids Are People, Too. The skinny woman tossed it aside and turned to face them, but Sabrina knew her face before she saw it. It was the worst face she had ever seen.
"Good morning, girls," Ms. Smirt said. "Did you miss me?"
